New Year

The new year...2007, that is, was bright with new things on the horizon. Our paperwork had safely voyaged to Haiti and was submitted to First Legal. Haiti changed the rules back and we qualified so we celebrated this news. We began to seek God about our house situation. Would we manage with 5 kids in our current home? We went back and forth about it. Country or City, stay or move, public school or home school, etc. We were planning on the boys being here by September- yes, we had vision- and so we knew we needed to make some decisions. Then, on January 9th, tragedy struck. Our dear friends lost their third child only a few weeks before his arrival. I didn't know how to handle such pain really. I couldn't even begin to understand the intensity of devastation they felt. He was named Eleazar. This name means "The Lord will Help". In times like those, help is what we need the most. We need help to get through the hurt, help to understand God's goodness in spite of life's hardship, help to breathe when you've been sucker-punched to the core. B & H asked me to sing and play at the memorial service the classic hymn, "How Great Thou Art". I said I would do anything for them and agreed to sing a song that makes me cry on good days. My friend H amazed me. When she shared her mother's heart for her baby boy I saw such glorious strength. Her faith was admirable. She was shaken but not destroyed. Their children also shared sweet letters to their little brother. The fruit of godly parenting was so apparent in their letters: they had compassion for their mom and dad, trust in God's plan, and faith that somehow He would bring them through this tragedy. Even in their darkest hour, this family shone with the glory of God.

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

This time made me reflect on the loss that my boy's birth mothers have gone through. Losing a child and giving up a child must have similar pangs although I cannot be for sure since I have never given up a child for adoption or tragically lost my child due to medical reasons. The only pain I have as a reference point is that of a mistake I made when I was 18. I became pregnant while in a very unhealthy relationship and I consequently terminated the pregnancy. Although I was not walking with my Lord, in my heart of hearts I knew this was murder and yet I somehow silenced the voice of conscience in order to allow sin to reign and conquer. This one act sent me into a downward spiral of depression, grief and self-hatred. After a year of living recklessly, I was rescued by Jesus. When I came to know Jesus as Lord and Savior, this was the first sin I repented over. The wails of regret and sorrow were so intense- deep calling out to deep. Finally, after many months of healing, I was able to forgive myself. But the void is still there. I wish I could go back change things. I would have either had the baby and given him up for adoption or been a single mom. I dream about my child often. What color was his hair, was he athletic or artistic, etc.? I long for the day to embrace him and ask for forgiveness. The fact is that what has been done is done. As a mother, this feeling of loss is overwhelming at times.

And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin



New Hope often allows the birth family to come visit with the children if they so desire. One time, bothered by the fact that no one visits him, Jeff asked Debbie, "Where's my Mama?" She simply answered, "I'm your Mama now." He accepted this and was fine. I often wonder about Jeff's mom, too. Jeff was left at a handicap orphanage (although he is not handicapped) at around age 2. I am sure he was left there out of desperation. His mom's love for him must of told her that he needed to be in a place that could feed him and take care of him. Perhaps this was the only place that she knew about. Perhaps she left him close enough to hear his laughter lift over the gates and reach her ears. Or maybe far away enough as to not have the constant reminder that he was no longer in her arms. Perhaps she died and the family took him there. There really is no way of knowing. I thank God for the day when Debbie saw Jeff at this other orphanage and decided he needed to be with her. He was not developing properly in the other place. Wherever Jeff's birth mom is, may she have peace about her decision.

David's father is dead and I suppose it was too hard for his mom to care for him alone. She brought him to New Hope at age 2. I had hoped to meet her one day but I don't know if that will happen. I cannot imagine how it feels to come visit your child that will very soon be in the United States, living with another family. David is so sweet and very beautiful. I am thankful that she has given him to us. May she have peace about her choice.

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,

And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.

Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,

And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

I have such a hard time with this part of adoption. One mother's loss is another mother's gain. It hurts. But I know adoption is God's plan. I have a hard time with my friend losing her baby so close to his due date. But I know we do not live in a perfect world and that God is still in control. He gives and takes away. No matter what joy or sorrow we face, God is Great; blessed be His name.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art, How great Thou art!