Spirit of Adoption

I sat down to eat next to Jeff during my trip to Haiti last May only to have him whisper to Ronaldo and quickly switch seats. Oh, great, here come the tears again I thought. For days Jeff and I had been perfecting this exhausting dance. I would lean in with affection and love only to have him run away and hide. Several outbursts upstairs in my hidden chambers stocked with cries of why, God, why had all but robbed me of any hope that he would ever see my love for him is unconditional. Pity has a way of doing that. Give into for one second and pretty soon the world is ending and you even despise the shoes your wearing for the occasion. You begin to wonder and hypothesize the worst. You feel inadequate and rejected. You question the things that you know to be true because,well, pity isn't based in truth, no, it is the voice of the loathed one, and we all know his bloodline is lies and all of his offspring, liars. Earlier when I had returned from one of my "parties" I saw Jeff ever so comfortable on the lap of Shanna, my new found friend that I met on our way to New Hope (turns out we go to the same church back home), and I was filled with jealousy and sadness because she was receiving the affection that I so desperately wanted. {Cue April to run back upstairs to a very lame "party"} Later that day, when I could finally get over myself enough to check my email, my sweet husband gives me exactly what I needed:

I'm sorry you have been sad. I can definitely understand it though. Its hard when not to set up so much expectation since we think about them and pray for them constantly. I was thinking how that our relationship with them is like when God is seeking after his lost children. We know the plans that we have for Jeff and David. Plans to prosper them and not to harm them. Plans to give them hope and a future. I am sure that Jesus feels like you felt tonight before we came to know Him. He and our heavenly Father, coming in from far away, wanting to adopt us and take us to a new home. We had no clue what the blessings that were in store for us when we would come to know Him, and accept Him. He hurt when we embraced the world, (sorry Shanna to use you as a worldly example). But He had hope for when the time came that we would come into a loving relationship with Him. The time will come, when Jeff realizes this too.

Our love for Jeff has been there since we first saw him. We knew he was part of our family early on, even before we knew his name! Our love for him is deep and everlasting. He doesn't know it now, but he will!

It was timely. God had already spoke the same thing to me in one of my "parties". I repented for unbelief and patiently pursued my son from there on out. I am so thankful that God didn't stop pursuing me. I must admit I was a wild one. The fact that He even desired to have me as His own is mind boggling. I know me and the despicable sinner I am. Yet somehow He loves me. How many times, Lord did we play hide and seek? Every single nook and cranny you are were there calling my name!

This picture was one of very few where I actually got to touch him. The few seconds of me holding him were priceless although you can see how very uncomfortable he is.

The last trip in October, Jeff was actually a little more willing to let me love on him. I think it was because Scott was there and he is more comfortable with him. But there were moments where he resisted me. Every night we would tuck the kids in bed. I would pray with each one and say, "I love you". Most nights Jeff would say "I love you, too" back to Scott but not me. I tried not to let this bother me because I know these things take time. Jeff would still hide his face from me and not let me kiss his forehead. David is quite the opposite. He kisses, he hugs, he loves me- even unsolicited. Again, the Lord reminds me of how each of us responds differently to His pursuit.

This adoption process has taught me so much about my adoption in Christ. I am so humbled by it really. Jesus told his disciples, "I will not leave you as orphans. I will come to you." When we left Jeff and David in October, I understood this verse on a different level. At that point, the adoption was legal and they were now officially our sons but we still could not take them home yet. I know now, a little deeper, how my Father feels about my (and my other brothers and sisters) homecoming because I know how much I am anticipating the day I can bring Jeff and David home. His anticipation far exceeds mine because of His great love and Jesus' great sacrifice.

"But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, "Abba, Father!" Therefore you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ." Galatians 4:4-7